Ausländerin

10. Ausländerin die [foreigner]: any person knows that German natives say this word with their stare and then look you up and down; someone who doesn’t dress “German” or speaks too loudly with a strange accent; or someone who just looks lost in the classroom or on the street.

Yep, I have definitely realized that I am a foreigner here in Germany, but to say that I have accepted the fact that I am is another question. Sometimes I just want to fit in and when I order a large, soft pretzel at the Bäckerei (in German, mind you), I want the Bäcker to say “danke,” not “thank you.” Or if I am struggling with “tennis talk” in German, I don’t want a teammate to reply in German and then say the score in English, as if that is the problem. But the part where I felt like a foreigner the most was in my new University class.  Thanks to this fascinating, yet terrifying “Uni” class, these past few weeks have been crazy, crazy, crazy.

In addition to my three IES program courses, I challenged myself in taking a class at the actual University of Freiburg, Albert-Ludwigs-Üniversität, which is one of Germany’s top universities.  Some notable professors include Dr. Johann Maier von Eck (theologian, known for defending Catholicism during the Reformation), Hans Krebs (the founder of the Krebs Cycle), Max Weber (the well-known philosopher and sociologist), and Konrad Adenauer (former Chancellor of Germany). I definitely felt honored to learn in an institution where such notable people contributed to the University’s success. “Das Deutsche Kaiserreich” course first met on the second Wednesday after Easter in a small, stuffy room. Thankfully, the first day was just an introduction to the class, so I understood everything and even participated in class.  The “foreigner” feeling came the following Monday, where the class met for the “Tutorat,” or rather tutorial where we discuss the class with a tutor (like a TA). It was just me, and the German University students. I was already friendly with many of them and could practically fluently engage in normal conversation with them, so I thought the Tutorat would be fine, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong! The majority of the German students in my class were first year students, even though they were interestingly my age. I soon found out that the Tutorat was teaching the students how to write and study history, with a focus on the historiography of the German Kaiserreich period. All this I learned in the past three years at Lawrence, so I felt way above the students, except for one very significant problem: talking history in German!! What the tutor and students discussed in class were things that I already knew, but it was so hard to keep up with them when they spoke so fast. I realized that there is a major difference of “regular German” and “academic German.” Instead of panicking, I decided to just hide and try to get everything I could from the class (which was hard to accept because I am usually the student who always participates). But even that tactic didn’t work, because all of sudden we were divided in groups and given sheets of paper with sentences that we were supposed to discuss and then present our conclusions as a group. As I was trying to remember what “Quellen” meant, my group stood up and handed me a sheet of paper and told me that I should present the meaning of the sentence. I stood in front of thirty students, all eyes on me, and I felt like the stupidest person alive, as I stared at the sentence, that I, to this day, have no idea what it meant. I tried to be funny and simply said in German that I didn’t understand what the sentence meant, not because I am dumb, but because I am a foreigner, so I asked if anyone could explain the meaning to me. Although the class laughed, I felt eyes on me throughout the rest of class and all the way to the streetcar. But the funny thing is that I was never scared or nervous, I remained calm and I am now even more determined to improve my German, especially my academic German.

Another time where I feel like a foreigner the most is when I play tennis. I have played tennis for practically my entire life and I have been a tennis instructor for six years now, so I think that I can say that I know tennis. Well, I don’t feel that way when I am here. Don’t get me wrong, I am having such a great time playing tennis in Germany, but after Easter, we are now playing outside on clay. Finally I get to play outside, but this is my first time really on clay, so I am having a really hard time adjusting to the new surface. Every time I move, I feel like I am going to fall and since I can’t slide yet, I have to awkwardly run to the ball, losing my timing completely. So basically, my game is pretty crappy right now. And I can now easily talk to my teammates about things outside of tennis, but what super frustrates me, is that I cannot talk tennis with them. It will definitely take a lot of patience when I play tennis and also when I want to talk tennis.

I realize now that as a foreigner, I need to get rid of my ego and realize that I cannot look like the smartest person in the world here, because I am not. I keep on trying to prove that just because I am a foreigner, I am not dumb, I know more things academically and in tennis in my own country. I have this new appreciation for foreign students at my home university and admire their bravery for studying there, but also for immigrants throughout history. Throughout history people have immigrated with absolutely no understanding of their new country’s language and culture. In the native’s eyes, they must have looked foolish and stupid. I can how understand the foreigner’s frustration of proving themselves that they do have skills.

So although these past few weeks have been a little difficult, I still feel fortunate to have been put in situations where I feel uncomfortable, because, every time, I feel like I am learning so much as a student and growing as a person.

My German roommates surprised me with a Johannisbeerenkuchen on my birthday!
 More on my birthday and other adventures later :)